Man In The Mirror

December 10th, 2020

So, I originally started to pen this inaugural Journal entry months ago, in the late Summer… yeah, well…

Initially, in focus, was to write of my needing to sever ties from all the distractions that were leading me down an ugly path of cynicism, negativity, brought on by all the shit going on in this life/world… be it, bigly, the sorry ass excuse of a human being, that holds the position of President of the United States, and his frighteningly enabling followers and sycophants.  The atmosphere he has created in this country that I just happen to reside in… as well as the issues confronting mankind that he, and his ilk, have only exacerbated by their sheer bigotry, dishonesty, hatred, ignorance, narcissism, short-sighted selfishness, on and on and on.  Pretty much everything any decent, human being strives to oppose, and tries to teach their children not to be, being all apparently thrown out the window, so these cave dwellers, who have crawled out from underneath their rocks, were being given the light of day, credence, attention, to the detriment of all society, life, and the world.

That is incorrect though, the United States President didn’t create this atmosphere, he just shown a light on it, by making it all, him, the spotlight, of what has been in the shadows, lurking in this country, society, and an unnerving, and very sobering, amount of it’s population.  Case in point, a month ago and the election, where it was entirely too close for comfort.  Where nearly half of this nation STILL voted for him! and felt he was the best person to lead, represent, direct, this country’s future.  It’s just fucking chilling.  How?!  Who are these people?!  What the hell is the matter with them?!

Okay, I again am going off on what and why this originally sparked my wanting to write this first entry, though it wasn’t for that, to just do as I just did, and negatively just go off on… but the resulting ill effects it was making me be as… pretty much illustrated in my just now, easily, going off on a tangent three months later over the same shit!

As one who is always trying to grow, to learn, to be, and become better, I try to educate myself, to keep myself educated… and one aspect of that, is maintaining knowledgeable of the life and world around me, keeping abreast of it all.  Which includes a daily following of the news throughout the day, from multiple sources, both local and national, as well as globally.  To try and make sense, understand, have a grasp of what it is going on in this life/world.

Well, as if the news this past year (and more) hasn’t been bad enough on it’s own, for some reason, earlier this year, I branched out into trying to decipher and learn more, by diving into the total blackness, rabbit hole, of comments sections.  My reasoning, was just trying to see how this news was be taken, absorbed, reflected, affecting my fellow human beings, to get a broader perspective of it all.  Yeah, that was not a good thing.  Jesus fucking Christ!  That all was even more terrifying than the news itself!  Who the hell are these people?!  On both sides!  What the fuckin’ bloody hell is the matter with people?!  Society?!  It’s a fuckin’ blood bath!  The lack of simple, basic compassion, human decency, kindness, regard, respect, on and on and on.

It all was just leading me to become just as cynical, hard, and negative as these people, whose refuse I was reading on a daily basis… even leading me to consider, creating a whole other account, to counter, and chime right the fuck in with the worst of them!

Not one single, positive, thoughtful, fruitful thing has ever been gleaned by those dives into comment sections, to learn what my fellow inhabitants have wanted to share on how the day’s news is taken by them.  And yet, I still to this day, find myself clicking on and going to read what it is that is shared by them!  Why?!  What the hell is the matter with me in continually doing so?!  Is it just blind optimism, that I will just find a glimmer of hope in mankind?

Anyway… it just led me to want to reflect and write on how it was leading me astray, and how I needed to stop, take a step back, and adjust my course, direction, back on track to who it is I am.  To have a good long look with the man in the mirror, and contemplate my feelings, thoughts.  Redirect, focus, me, and my life, from the distractions, all too many distractions, to what it is that is important and matters.

So that was the impetus to it all, three months ago at the conception of this here Journal entry.

Now, it is three months later.  And the discussion I am wanting to have with the man in the mirror, is different.  Now, it is that threadbare worn old discussion had my entire adult life – just what the livin’ fuckin’ hell am I to do with myself?

As of tomorrow, I will have been unemployed for a month.  From my doing.  Fed up, and feeling I was becoming too complacent, and accepting of shit, I left the money-job I acquired after resurfacing from my journey over three and half bloody years ago!  It was only acquired at the the time, to be temporary, to just replenish the coffers, so as to get back to it, that journey, and back on the road.  Yeah, well, that never happened.  Mostly, because I had a lot of “replenishing” to do, as I essentially had to sell pretty much all the essentials that I could back then, to get by, and sustain my self, physical presence… leaving me with needing to pretty much start all over from scratch, if I were to venture back off.

And the rest is just everyday life that we all have to handle, and navigate, to get by – roof over out heads, food on our plate, etc., etc., etc.  To where my life was only just all that and nothing more – getting by, just merely existing, taking up space… being miserable, unhappy, unfulfilled, empty, just a meaningless blip coursing through life.

Then, on top of that all, the endless, meaningless, pointless, distractions, bullshit drama that we are faced with in our daily lives, be it at our work/jobs, life, what have you… anything and everything that we use to distract and keep us from the things that really are important and matter.  And/or can’t seem to face.

Like, what the ever lovin’ fuckin’ hell is one to do with themselves?!  Their life?!

So, this perpetual square one hell, I yet again find myself still standing in, trying to figure out.

I’ve become so disassociated with myself.  It’s been one month tomorrow, where I have pretty much been just me, time aplenty to tackle all of this, and have nary done any.  That ominous black void of unknowing, I am just not wanting to peer into yet again in my life.  I mean, it has been so fuckin’ long that I have… hell, was the sole purpose and reason for giving up everything I had and own, move into, and live out of van, that three quarters of a year I spent gallivanting about the countryside on my journey.

One of the main reasons too, I put off writing this journal entry months ago, was my thinking at the time, that I needed to go back and get in touch with the ‘me’ I was, via revisiting, and sharing of the old handwritten journals I began writing over thirty years ago.  Hoping to steer me back towards that path I had started years ago, so as to continue now down that path once again.  Yeah, well, that lasted not too long (productivity wise at least, since it ate up and wasted months in time), as I realized that I was just making it yet another distraction.  That all is the past, it’s history.  Now is now.  I’ve done that before, and wasted my life and time, in these special projects, started under the guise of being this thing that will help me to go and move forward.  When all it does is just keep me from actually doing so.

It just boils, and comes right down to my just being completely frozen and hesitant to wanting to stare, yet again, into that vast, empty, black void of my complete and total not knowing.  Of not knowing what the ever lovin’ fuckin’ hell to do with myself, with me, my life.  I mean Jesus fuckin’ Christ, like I have said, this subject has been beaten into the ground so much my entire fuckin’ life, that I have emerged on the opposite end, popping out in China!

This has led me to become so spent, so absolutely drained, that I just don’t know what to make of me, my life, any more.  Who am I?  Like, I am afraid to look at that man in the mirror, because of not knowing, recognizing the man looking back.

What did I come here for?  What was my reasoning?  Point in doing so?  What is it I came to learn?

That, is what in the coming months I hope to attain.  I am fine for that amount of time, in being able to get by, until the coffers again run out, and I find myself like I have entirely too many times in this here life o’ mine, and then needing to find a means, way, to survive.

I should have subtitled this entry with ‘Distractions’.  The Man In The Mirror, or, Distractions Created By A Lost Man.

I don’t know.  <- Again, as always, my personal life motto, and creed… I don’t know.

Which isn’t, and can’t be true… of course I know, I’ve known all along… just refuse to truthfully acknowledge it.  Just a matter of recognizing it, and accepting it.

And finally, for once in my life, I will be sated, at peace, happy, content, loving me, and my life… which is what I just simply want to be.  Why do we make the simplest things so difficult?  So simple that we look right passed and do not recognize and see it, accept it as being so?

Well, I got a life’s work of work to get back to, figure out, and solve.  Here’s to me finally being able to do so, and not letting the distractions take me away from it all.

Is it all just simply an illusion?  Smoke and mirrors to distract us from the magic, beauty, that is?

Hm.  A lot to ponder.  So, like I said… back at it… in earnest again, this time, once more.

Here’s wishing you well on your own personal journeys of discovery.  Never give up searching, and trying to achieve that which you came here for.  All the best, my fellow travelers.

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