I Just Need To Get Over Myself
December 20th, 2020
Well, one of the first things attained by doin’ that look in the mirror, is the revelation that I just need to get the fuck over myself.
That there, clears up a lot… me, and my, white man, First World, angst … just a good dose and slap of perspective to help set ya’ straight. I am still in that perpetual hell square one, that I apparently must love ever-so-much, since I never seem to leave it… but, prioritizing things, and clearing out of those distractions, even if they are yourself, are important in order to move the fuck on.
At least, one sure hopes.
I have also reconfigured the site here to reflect all of that… since it’s inception was to follow along a more introspective wasting of time. Revised my About page… merged the Latest and the Journal… streamlined, cutting off of the fat, kind of things. Looking to make the site be more along the lines as my early websites used to be centered around – my photography, creative endeavors… and less the rambling babbling boo-hoo’ing. If I got something to say, then to say it through my work I create.
I do, as a matter of fact, have a new photo series in mind that I want to do and shoot… if I can just figure out how to do it. I originally thought of it while doing my Discarded series, and an image was to be included as one of the images in it… may even have originally thought of the series, years before that… point being, it is what I am wanting to work on creating next. Excited too, been awhile, since the Discarded series, where I have had this burst of creative energy… is good to feel and have again!
PS: Meanwhile, also have updated my Photography section with the latest smattering of images I have captured recently (being seen here to the right).
First creative hurdle, will again be just figuring out how to execute and do it. As well as do so within my means, as I again, am still currently money-jobless and unemployed… and really probably, what I should be more focusing my energy and time on… but, I am me, and when have I ever done what is most likely the more prudent thing to do?
Speaking of that though, my leaving my previous money-job, was with all intents and purposes, the most dangerous thing that I probably could have done… again, because I am me. It has been many years now, since I have noticed that I just don’t care about a certain many things… namely, financial matters, and things done to acquire little things, which I personally abhor, but that this life/world seems to hold in the highest, most important esteem – money.
For, I have, naturally of course, been daily searching for another money-job to go and do whatever it is I am there to do, in order to claim the most precious monies… my eyes started to glaze over after the first day or two of checking the job ads. Nothing, absolutely nothing, catching my eye to want to pursue, go do. Hence, why it was a dangerous thing for me, being who it is I am, to have left, and not just continued to put up with, the previous money-job I had, to at least be continuing to provide me with the ever-so-important means by which this life/world says you need in order to get by and survive in it… but, no… I left it, said enough with it, and it’s bullshit and drama… throwing me out into the wild of somehow coercing myself to happen on to something else to fill my days and time to do whatever they ask, in order for my ever-so fortunate self to be compensated by the glorious dollar bills!
I counter myself above, with the notion that one doing something of personal worth and value, and that one takes joy and pleasure in, is really what life is all about and for. That one should follow their own heart, spirit, soul, to that which matters, in enlightening and fulfilling oneself… as opposed to selling it up the river, by doing the exact opposite, for something that matters not at all. Well, aside from a means to, you know, feed and house oneself.
“To thine own self be true” doth say Polonius
I do believe that is the real reason that I chose to come into this life/world… for the learning challenge of finding a way to not only exist, but live, in this here life/world, sans, and contrary to, the way that this life/world says that one must. It has been evident since day one, that I am by nature, innately adverse to the norms and standards that this life/world deems should be. And far too long, have I tried to bend myself to the ways of this life/world, for me to simultaneously exist as me, and as one within this here life/world. But, fail I do, in that I always try to do so within that tight boxed confines of this life/world’s cute little antiquated parameters.
Oh, they are just trying to keep order… tryin’ to get by and make do as best as they can.
I mustn’t allow that all to hobble me though. To each their own. Both can be and exist together. Just a matter of allowing myself to let them live as they may, and allowing me to live as I may.
It all is fun. The challenge. That is why we do it. We truly are the otters of the universe. But, oh how we so easily forget. Get distracted and caught up in the illusion of it all. Silly us.
Yes, perhaps I do need to just get over myself… the myself that has held me back for so long now.
Be brave, my fellow souls and travelers! Be not afraid to steer into that presumed darkness… for will find that it wasn’t dark at all, and will know your way quite well, and have all along. Listen to, and trust in, yourself. Life is fun. Life is beauty. Life is love. Just need to find where it is, and have it, live it. Anything and everything else, is just distractions, illusion. Remember that.
Thank you, me.
As a coda, the Journal entry written, three and half years ago, while was gallivanting about the countryside living in a van:
April 10th, 2017
So, I got one for ya’! Did you hear the one about the student who walks into a classroom to take a test, and ends up wasting the entire period taking the wrong test?! Not only that, but the test he was working on, wasn’t ever even a test!
My friends, kind fellow visitors, readers, contributors of all that I have shared with you on this here journey o’ mine – This Life’s Journey is over!
Remember at the start of this here journey o’ mine, I said I was going into it blindly, not knowing really what I was going to do, where I was going to go, and what it was I was even really hoping to figure out? Just my saying that hopefully, at some point, I will have some kind of an epiphany of some sort, where it all would just come to me, and all would make sense?
Well, today was that day.
Image above is where it happened. I should have noted the time, but, can say that it was sometime during the four o’clock, Mountain Standard Time, hour, and that it occurred while sitting in public library number two hundred and seventy-five that I have been in (Chubbuck, Idaho to be more specific) on this here journey o’ mine, and that it occurred while simply in the midst of writing an email reply.
Suddenly, just a little light went on, in some oft overlooked part of my being, that brought a stop to the presses, and all trains on their tracks to a standstill.
And quietly, a voice from the light simply said, “That is not why you are here.”
“Hm? What?” I say back curiously in the direction of this light, which now seemed to be growing a lot brighter now, “What did you say?”
The same soft-spoken voice, “You have been fighting the wrong battle.” I heard in return as the light grew closer and with more intensity. “The one of your non-money lovin’ self trying to figure out a way to exist in a world in which money revolves around -”
“Fighting the wrong – … this has been a battle I have been fighting my entire adult life! Many a scar too do I have from this battle! And you’re saying -“
“Yes, you have battled against it most determinedly indeed” said the voice, that I could tell was very near to me, but couldn’t see for the warm glowing brightness of his light.
“Well…” My struggling to understand, fumbled for words, while also now trying to make out the source of who was saying it behind the light “Well, if my battle was not this, what was it I was really battling? Trying to figure out? Learn? To completely and fully learn how to understand to do?”
As soon as I finished asking my question, the light was upon me, and could see that the voice from the dark wasn’t carrying it, but was the source of the light! I could not make out any discernible features in the searing brightness, but even though it’s intensity, could easily look upon it without squinting or shielding of my eyes. The warm glow wrapped itself around me so it was now as if I was floating within, and the voice spoke from no longer in front of me, but all around me, the answer to my question.
We are very clever with the distractions that we place in our lives, to challenge us to look beyond, so as to see the truth that lay behind. Today, I discovered the most elaborate distraction of them all, I have literally wasted my entire adult life focusing upon!
No longer, my friends. For, I have seen the light.
On this day, day two hundred and thirty of having started this final last ditch grasp effort of trying to figure me, my life out, I became once again aware of why it is that I chose this all for me… and let me tell you, my friends, brothers and sisters, fellow travelers, and journeyers in this beautiful thing called Life – I am smilin’ from ear to ear!
I love me!
I sure am a funny fellow. Apparently, I have a very forgetful short term memory… and/or, I just like learning/remembering the same thing over and over!